Do you find yourself asking “WHY ME” Often?
When something negative happens in our lives, we often get sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed or throw ourselves a pitty party and ask “why me.” Am I right?
I found myself there again this past Monday. After being cancer free (again) for just shy of 5 years, I was smacked in the face with the words “bone cancer.” Um, excuse me? As the doctor’s words echoed in my head I thought to myself, “this is just a joke. Well that was not funny, doctor!” As I slipped back into reality I quickly told myself, “this is not something this doctor would joke about Hillary.” Um, right!
All I can say is that I had the opportunity to practice all of the mind/body techniques I have been learning these past few years. I implemented my deep breathing and trying to stay focused on the here and now (not digressing back to the past or leaping into the future). And you want to know what? I rocked it! I looked at the doctor square in the eyes and asked to see my scan results. The doctor stood speachless and then left the room to go ask for my images. Upon his return, he picked out the biggest of the “spots” and showed it to me. The reality of the image put me right on my butt – literally. Thank goodness there was a chair right there.
I left the doctor’s office with an image of a squiggly blob in my mind (that I now affectionately call “spot”). He was parked right next to my hip joint, trying to sleep quietly between my hip bones. I sat in my car and asked “WHY ME. Really God, isn’t twice enough…seriously?!?” After my first diagnosis, I tried to quickly find all of the reason why the radiologist could be wrong. This time, with report in hand, I sat back, relaxed and took deep breaths. I knew this diagnosis was not wrong. My intution and I have become close friends over the years. I knew I did not need to waste my time trying to hunt down a doctor who would tell me it “could” be something else. I was having a hard time walking and could not ride my horses so a cancer diagnosis I again accepted. I reminded myself that with God’s unconditional guidance I have healed myself from cancer twice before; WE will just do it again. Not something I was ready for, but I got myself there pretty quickly.
The only difference with this diagnosis is the pain that I feel each step I try to walk. I have never experienced pain with cancer before. This is new to me and has made things a bit more of a challenge. The pain is a constant reminder of the diagnosis, a constant stoke of the flame of fear.
Over this last week, I have not asked God “why me” again. Are you interested in knowing why? First, “why me” does nothing but highten my sense of fear, anxiety, and frustration. When I do this to myself, my emotions change the chemicals in my body and make my body an exellent place for cancer to grow. I do not ever want this for my body, but especially not now when my little spots need to shrink and not grow. Second, does asking “why me” move me forward at all? Does it bring anything positive into my life? Does it make me feel comforted? How about make the cancer miraculously disappear? Absolutely not!!! So I don’t need it. What I need are solutions. What I need is the magic jump start for my incredible immune system; the magic jumper cables. Not crippling fear. My immune system has already been able to heal me from drinking toxic lethal chemicals, toxic implants, and cancer twice. Does it needing help sound odd? Nope, not to me! So, does ruminating on “why me” bring my immune system the magic it needs? Nope!
Do you want to know what I am asking instead? I am asking “What God.” What do you want me to know? What are the lessons I am to learn? Where would you have me go to heal this time?
“When someone has been given much, much will be required in return: and when someone has been entrusted with much, even much more will be required.” Luke 12:48
I have been blessed with so very much. I know it is my time to learn more and give back more. I will keep asking God daily, “What God, What.” I will learn and I will teach.
This past week, as I have sat quietly, with my amazing husband by my side, I asked God for guidance to the right place of healing for me. Where would He have me go this time? After I asked, I moved on with my days knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He would answer. Each day I let go of a little more fear. After a few days, joy replaced the fear. Excitement for this next chapter in my life began to bubble up. I know what you are thinking, “excitement” come on! No really. This time I am going to a place that heals the body with every single therapy. Therapies that do not break it down with the hopes that cancer cells will die and that good cells will surive. No, this time it is intensive daily therapies that infuse life, health, magic right into every cell of my body. It will be 28 days of giving my body all the magic healing elixirs it needs. Every single day for 28 days in a row. Could I be any more blessed? Who gets such opportunities? Me apparently. So it’s not “why me,” but rather, thank you God for giving me such an incredible opportunity to learn and heal so I can become a better teacher and to do it with the best husband in the world by my side. Doesn’t this sound exciting? I sure think it does!
The excitement begins today. Mike and I will leave for Mexico this afternoon. I will begin treatments tomorrow!! My body is ready to heal. My mind is ready to learn. My soul is ready to soar. If you would like to follow my journey, I will be posting updates to my facebook page.
Will you stand beside me as I trust in God and the amazing medical team He has provided for me? Will you do me a favor? When something you preceive as negative happens in your life, will you not ask “why me” and instead ask “what”…what am I to learn from this?
Sending out lots of love and hoping it finds you wherever you may be right now.